So-Bad-It’s Bad Shakespeare

Happy birthday to the Bard! It seems odd to say, but not every Shakespeare adaptation is wonderful and worthy of attention, even when it features topflight talent and suitably melodious classical delivery. Sometimes they just stink. The 1980 BBC TV movie of The Tempest is unfortunately one of those. It mostly sticks to the plot, and the acting isn’t bad, but there’s definitely some cringe happening.

It opens during a blinding storm, with Alonso (David Waller) the king of Naples, Antonio (Derek Godfrey) the Duke of Naples and Alonso’s men battling it out. Fortunately, they’re close to an island, which, funnily enough, is where Antonio’s brother, Prospero (Michael Hordern) and his daughter, Miranda (Pippa Guard), fled to with a minimum of creature comforts after Antonio usurped Prospero.

Prospero’s a sorcerer, and Miranda knows certain events transpired because of her dad. When Miranda asks Prospero why he conjured the storm, Prospero intially says, “I di’n’t do nuffin,” in Shakespearean before launching into the backstory of how he and Miranda came to be on the island. He also admits he cooked the storm up to get back at his brother as well as Alonso. Since Miranda is a bit too inquisitive, Prospero puts her into an enchanted sleep.

While Miranda snoozes, Prospero plots. He knows that Alonso and his men have been shipwrecked, and he engages Ariel (David Dixon), a spirit on the island, to basically torment Alonso and Company as kind of revenge for Antonio grabbing the dukedom. There’s also an extremely hairy fellow named Calabrian (Warren Clarke) who Prospero sends off to meet the castaways and protect he and Miranda.

There is a wrinkle in the plan, however. The nobles who are with Alonso, including Antonio, are conspiring to assassinate Alonso, and Prospero tells Ariel to break it up. Ariel comes through mightily, with an army of goblins. who chase Antonio and everyone away, including two nobles named Trinculo (Andrew Sachs) and Stephano (Nigel Hawthorne), the group’s resident Abbott and Costello, who run off with Calabrian.

Things aren’t idle at Prospero’s cave, either. Alonso’s young and extremely comely son, Ferdinand (Christopher Guard) shows up and instantly falls in love with Miranda, who returns his affections. Prospero agrees to the match, but only after he engages Ferdinand to carry firewood for him. After the engagement is announced, Ferdinand and Miranda are treated to some spirits singing about chastity before marriage. Naturally, it’s a short engagement.

Meanwhile, Prospero has somewhat softened toward Antonio, who has been suitably messed with by Ariel and his merry band of G-string-clad sprites. And yes, it’s as uncomfortable as it sounds especially the scene when they haul in a banquet table and rapturously dance around it..

While I enjoyed this version of The Tempest, something felt off, and I had this strange desire to poke fun at it. It felt like sacrilege because English BAs and English majors don’t make fun of Shakespeare. It’s like making fun of holy writ. Mostly. The teeny bits of antisemitism in some plays is unfortunate although easily discarded. Either way, Shakespeare is always approached with a certain reverence.

And yet I couldn’t help heckling this movie. When Warren Clarke as Caliban made his first appearance, I honestly thought I was looking at Bigfoot and found myself calling him Bigfoot for the rest of the movie, even though the original text simply calls Caliban a “savage.” There’s no indication that he’s supposed to be as hairy as a living room carpet.

Ariel was also unintentionally hilarious. At first I thought David Dixon would be a great Robin Goodfellow, and I hope he’s had a chance to play that part,  because he’s very light on his feet and knows how to troll with the best of them. It probably wasn’t the best idea for him to squat down in front of Prospero in some scenes, because that loincloth of his was a bit too TMI.

As the film went on, things got more and more ludicrous, particularly in the scene with the banquet table. As soon as they set the table down, these guys, who, again, are all wearing teeny G-strings, start cavorting around like a sprite Bacchanal while Alonso and his men stand off to the side, looking way more non-plussed than they should have. What would any of us say if a bunch of scantily-clad men appeared out of nowhere with a banquet board, danced around it, and then carried it away without so much as a “Fancy a doggy bag?”

I know what I’d say: “What the flying fish was that?”

The other thing was that the dialogue felt unintelligible in spots almost to the point of gibberish. Part of that was the recording, and the other part was it just felt as if everyone was bored.

The Tempest was Shakespeare’s last play, and unfortunately has always seemed to get the shaft when it comes to stage and film interpretations. There’s Prospero’s Books, a 1991 film in which Prospero recites every line from the play. It’s severely and unnecessarily raunchy.

In 2010 a film version directed by Julie Taymor starred Helen Mirren as a gender-flipped Prospero, which did not go over well. The film has a thirty-percent critic’s rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which calls Taymor’s interpretation “uninspired.”

Why doesn’t The Tempest get the kid glove treatment? Or at least something that isn’t terrible? I don’t know, but it deserves better. I would suggest that anyone who braves the 1980 version watch it with a copy of the play in their hand just for sanity’s sake.

Another post is coming out on Wednesday. Thanks for reading, all, and I hope to see you then…

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The Tempest is available to stream for free on Prime.

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