“McBain” Is A Real Movie. Not Good, But Real.

Remember McBain on The Simpsons? If not, here are some clips for context’s sake.

Yep. McBain is a pretty popular figure, but who knew that there’s a real movie called McBain? And that it stars Christopher Walken? I sure didn’t, but it’s from 1991, was mostly straight to video, and is easily accessible on Tubi in both the normal and RiffTrax versions. In case it isn’t obvious already, the film isn’t great. At all (Reviews like this one on IMDb are quite illuminating).

The movie opens at an outpost somewhere in Vietnam in 1973, where a group of American GIs are sitting around shooting the breeze, when their commanding officer tells them the war is over and they’re getting shipped home.

While on the chopper heading out, though, these guys decide to make a little pit stop at a POW camp and rescue some of their own, including Bobby McBain (Christopher Walken), who’s in the middle of what is essentially a cage fight with the camp’s wannabe Rambo. The Americans swoop in, take out the bad guys, and get the heck out of Dodge. One of their biggest allies is a Columbian named Roberto Santos (Chick Vennera), who rips a hundred-dollar bill in half and keeps one while giving Bobby the other half. If Bobby ever needs help, Roberto tells him to send him the dollar bill and vice versa if Roberto needs help.

Fast forward eighteen years. Bobby is working as a welder in New York City. Roberto is fighting a revolution in Columbia against ruthless dictator and drug lord El Presidente (Victor Argo), and before he storms the Capitol he leaves his precious half of the ripped Benjamin with his sister, Christina (Maria Conchita Alonso).

The attack on the Capitol is nothing if not head-scratching. Roberto infiltrates the building with three hot women wearing tiny halter tops, hot pants, and luxuriant locks fit for a hair band tour. They climb a ladder to a trapdoor in the main office, which, strangely enough, is right in front of where El Presidente sits at his desk. One of the hot women reaches up and unzips the guy’s fly, with a knife hanging dangerously close, and for an uncomfortable second it seems he’s in for pain of the Lorena Bobbitt variety. Unfortunately, El Presidente blackmails Roberto into giving up his gun, after which El Presidente shoots him in the head.

Meanwhile, in New York City, Bobby, who’s eating lunch and watching the news, is horrified to see his old friend shot on live TV. Christina is on her way to him bearing Roberto’s half of the hundred-dollar bill so Bobby knows she’s legit. The movie tries really hard to get sparks flying between these two, but there’s not much beyond Christina telling Bobby about how everyone in Columbia is poor because of the coca plant, which people prefer to grow instead of food. Christina wants help fighting these drug lords, but she has no money.

Bobby decides to get funds from a sorta-likely source: The local drug dealers. He and his old posse from Vietnam break into an old decrepit building and shoot things up until they work their way to the ringleader, Papo (Luis Guzman), who tells them if they want more money, they need to aim higher. Bobby agrees, and he and his buddies string up one of NYC’s pharmaceutical kings until he agrees to deposit ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account.

The guys are now off to Columbia, where Christina is already leading a band of rebels. Bobby and the group have a lot to do, but the main takeaway is that Bobby McBain is probably the least visible action hero of all time. Sure, he’ll muscle in as only Christopher Walken can and take out El Presidente in a deciding stroke, but it won’t tax him much. His perfectly-creased khakis won’t even get mussed.

Yeah. Our action hero wears khakis.

OK, I expected this movie to be kind of a stinker. Nothing about it says, “hidden gem,” unless one is looking for a really bad action movie where the hero is barely ever on the screen, and when he is, it’s completely implausible. Since when does a welder have the authority to shoot up a drug dealer and his gang? Or string up a pharm king and demand millions of dollars on pain of death? Bobby and the group face absolutely no consequences for these little bits of derring-do.

The characters are barely types, and while some of the faces are recognizable, especially Michael Ironside, it’s hard to care about them enough to remember their names. After watching McBain twice for the review, I still couldn’t remember and really couldn’t care less. On the plus side, though, they do a lot of posing for group shots, as if they were hoping one of them made a poster or a lobby card.

And there was absolutely no reason for the romance-ish thing with Bobby and Christina. Few conversations. No amorous looks. No wild declarations. Nothing even vaguely resembling romance. No chemistry whatsoever. Most importantly, they have very little screen time because they’re always off doing separate things. When they are together she’s at his elbow or he puts his arm around her and we’re supposed to fill in the blanks.

Speaking of blanks, what’s interesting is that McBain of The Simpsons has no connection to the movie McBain, or if it does it’s pure coincidence, as both made their screen debuts in 1991. It’s safe to say, however, that Ranier Wolfcastle’s turn as the character has had way more longevity than Christopher Walken’s, the latter of whom probably prefers it that way. Legend has it Walken didn’t like the movie and neither did his co-star Michael Ironside, so the odds are good they’re fine with letting McBain gather dust in bargain bins or on streaming services.

Another review is on the way Friday. Thanks for reading, all, and I hope to see you then…

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McBain is available on Blu-ray from Amazon and can be streamed on Tubi, with RiffTrax or without.

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