We’re no stranger to shark movies in the movie-loving world, but it’s always funny to see how many of these movies are out there. While the vast majority are pretty bad, one of the most unique ones is 2021’s Noah’s Shark, a microbudget passion project from the Polonia Brothers, who have apparently been making films since the 1980s. Oh golly, this movie. It’s got a 1.7 audience rating on IMDb and went straight to DVD.
It all starts with Father Benna (Jeff Kirkendall) talking to a circa-1980s camcorder about an exorcism he’s about to perform on a teenage girl, Amy (Samantha Coolidge). Supposedly he’s got this super-successful ministry and is on TV and everything, but he’s not as impressive as he thinks he is. I mean, come on, couldn’t he afford better equipment than an old camcorder that looks like it came from BestBuy?
So yeah, the exorcism doesn’t go well, and Amy’s mom, Gina (Jamie Morgan) drags Amy out indignantly. “You’re not even on basic cable!” she tells Father Benna before slamming the door. Cameraman Alan (Mark Polonia) lowers the camera. “I think we just got cancelled,” he says.
Still, Father Benna isn’t too far off. Amy suddenly appears at Father Benna’s door, saying, “Better luck next time, priest!” in a demonic voice before disappearing ominously. Naturally, Alan didn’t capture a second of it. Father Benna follows Amy, though, clinging melodramatically to his porch railing and wondering how he went wrong. Naturally, a thunderstorm is happening; naturally. Father Benna stays dry as a bone; and naturally, he hears demonic laughter.
In what is an exposition dump, emphasis on the word, “dump,” the movie also tells us about Noah’s bad, evil son, Zadkeil (Kevin Coolidge) who’s a total lazybones and wanders off by himself while everyone else is building the ark, and ends up by a lake, where he meets a shark who tells him about the coming flood. He also makes a deal with the devil: If Zadkiel will sneak the shark on board the Ark, Zadkiel can have dominian over the animals. Noah’s not too happy about this and beans Zadkiel, but then the shark eats Zadkiel and that’s that. The Ark is cursed and will forevermore be guarded by a demon, a cult, and oh yeah, the shark.
But wait, Father Benna is reading all of this for an audio recording for this filmmaker named Buster Pretorious (Ryan Dalton), who’s making a historical documentary based on the writings of the Witch of Endor. Yeah. As in, the one from 1 Samuel 28:3-25. She wrote a book that, according to the movie, was cut from the Bible. Buster isn’t sure that any of it is real, but he was left the book by a woman he used to know, as well as a board that was supposedly from the Ark. The woman’s husband apparently found the Ark and brought the board back, and it’s fortunate that he made it back, because he got attacked by the shark and lost an arm. Buster’s had the board in his garage for years.
Father Benna realizes the board is cursed, and as soon as he says something about it, the board bursts into flames and we hear a demonic voice. Father Benna talks right back to it while Buster painfully attempts to look shocked and horrified.
So yeah, after being stalked by a weird cult-y guy in a Jason mask from Party City who calls himself “Zee,” Buster knocks him out with a frying pan. He and Father Benna drop Zee off in the country, where Zee holds up a machete in a “Curse you, Red Baron!” kind of pose as Father and Buster speed away in Buster’s station wagon. Buster and Father don’t care, though, because it’s time for Father, Buster, Alan, and a combat vet named Tracy (Yolie Canales) to head off to Turkey, where they’re going to sneak up to Mount Ararat. The part that isn’t guarded by soldiers, that is.
Did I mention Tracy? No, I didn’t. She wears aviator sunglasses day or night, rain or shine, and always talks like a drill instructor. She’s also got kind of a short fuse. She’s a lot of fun in a pitbull kind of way, and she’s not too thrilled about trekking through the wilderness to find the Ark. Buster assures her it’ll be as easy as a trip to the ice cream store.
Nope. Our band of heroes isn’t terribly prepared. They’re out in the wilderness with no tents, apparently no food, and no gear whatsoever. When they want to go to sleep they sprawl out in the snow. When they want a fire they evidently light one by magic and keep it as tiny as possible. We don’t know how long they plan on staying out in the wilderness, and they don’t tell us, either.
Yes, they find the Ark, or at least Father Benna does. He not only sees the demons, but he sees the shark in his natural habitat, and we’re treated to a minute or so of Father Benna pretending to hold his breath. We see the shark’s dorsal fin, which looks like it’s part of a shark floatie. The shark goes chomp chomp on two characters who live to be kibble, and the survivors are left to wander off by themselves, hoping no one follows them home.
Does it look as if I’ve spoiled Noah’s Shark? Well, no, I really haven’t. I’ve only scratched the surface of how bad this thing is. Noah’s Shark is both terrible and funny, but it’s hard to tell if it’s meaning to be or if it’s unintentional like The Room. Or it might want to be a shark version of The Blair Witch Project. Sort of. Alan the cameraman gasps out, “I don’t wanna be in a found footage movie!” at the end of the movie as he runs away from the lake by himself.
Actually, scratch that. Noah’s Shark makes The Room look like The Seventh Seal. Seriously, that’s how bad it is. And The Blair Witch Project was watchable, despite being a giant letdown.
At least those movies were memorable. Noah’s Shark is extremely forgettable. I had to watch the film three times, I’m sorry to say, because that Zadkiel thingie at the beginning went right out of my head. The whole thing is only about an hour plus change long, but it feels so much longer.
The Polonia Brothers have a long and not exactly stellar filmography, some of which involves sharks, not the least of them being the cringe-y Jurassic Shark series. Ugh. They might not have much money, but they have passion and love making movies. Noah’s Shark, according to the teeny bit of press released about the film, is supposed to be “like Jaws, but Christian.”
Heh. That’s a laugh and a half. While there’s a teeny bit of actual Scripture in the movie, there’s nothing indicating any kind of knowledge of Christianity. The so-called “Biblical” language sounds like quasi-King James gibberish, Father Benna wonders if God is a woman, and Buster operates under the assumption that all pastors are crooks. If anything, it sounds like these guys went to the Dan Brown School of Theology. It would be insulting if the movie itself wasn’t so badly shot, badly acted, badly paced, and utterly ludicrous. The dialogue is kind of fun, though, so there’s that.
Another post is coming out tomorrow. Thanks for reading, all, and I hope to see you then…
Noah’s Shark is available on DVD and is free to stream for Prime customers. It is also available to stream on Tubi.
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