Another Day, Another Asylum Mockbuster

Asylum films seem to hit very similar notes. No matter what the subject matter is or who directs it, certain bits will always be there, and 2012’s Super Cyclone is no different. It’s kinda like Sharknado with the wind going whirly-twirly, only there aren’t any sharks. Or Tara Reid. Or Ian Ziering. More on that in a bit. I don’t know about anyone else, but I still don’t know if Asylum is trying to be bad or if they really don’t know how ridiculous these movies can get.

It all starts at the Wilforce-3  Ultra Deep Water Oil Rig off the California coast, where there’s been an explosion underground, and Petrol exec Travis Verdon (Nicholas Turturro) is on the case. Unfortunately, there are explosions that set people on fire, including Travis’s uncle, who, for some reason, is laid out in the mess hall because apparently the rig doesn’t have an infirmary. I had to feel sorry for the guy, because the steel countertop he was laying on looked incredibly uncomfortable.

Here’s where things start get confusing. Since the oil rig is in trouble, the government, of course, steps in, Well, a couple of people do, anyway. One of them is Dr. Jenna Spark (Ming-Na Wen), and she keeps demanding to speak to the manager. No, she really does. Whenever this woman sees people, she demands to speak to their manager.

Jenna brings her A-game, though. She already knows that the underground explosion is going to trigger a super cyclone, so she and Dr. Percy Cavanaugh (Andy Clemence) speed out to the rig on a NOAA vessel and bring back Travis and his uncle, leaving the men on the oil rig to evacuate.

Evacuate. Heh. More like, engineer Alex Rowe (Jonathan Le Billon) and Head of Safety Gary Winters (Dylan Vox) spend a lot of time on the phone in the rig’s control room yelling at each other and various powers that be about the storm that’s coming and how they need to evacuate their men. Things are bad, but they never talk about how bad they really are, because where there should be windows, there are panels and panels of shutters, so forget looking outside. What these guys call “evacuation” involves launching the crew in inflatable dingies, which the men fall out of in dramatic fashion.

Meanwhile, word of the super cyclone has reached land, and the news gets all scary and stuff about how the storm is going to wreak havoc on California, only they show a map of southeastern Florida.

As for Travis, Jenna and Percy, they’re racing around LA and the countryside seemingly aimlessly as the storm rages around them. Or not rages, as the case may be, because there are scenes when everything is bright and sunny as if all is right with the world.

Still, everyone puts on their scared face, with the group almost being on the receiving end of a rifle wielded by a guy who lives in a shack next to a stable for some reason. Then they find a kindly woman with a generator who offers to let them charge their cellphones and computers. We’re supposed to believe the power is out, but no one seems really concerned except for our three intrepid intellectuals.

And oh yeah, there’s the small matter of getting rid of the super cyclone that was totally caused by man doing something dumb. Sigh.

Just in case it’s not already abundantly clear, Super Cyclone is a huge mess that defies logic. It’s boring. It’s a good thing the movie identifies every principal character and all the major locations because it’s generic as all get-out. The plot is confusing, the dialogue limp and uninteresting, and the acting hammy at best and wooden at worst. The only things that makes these movies better are all the hilarious mistakes mixed in with all the kitsch, and while Super Cyclone doesn’t have as many as its counterparts, there are enough to elicit a little chuckle now and then.

Like when Alex and Gary supposedly evacuate the men on their rig into the dinghy, the men are flailing around helplessly, and then for some reason Alex and Gary jump in after them later and we never see them again. Don’t bother trying to ferret out the whys and wherefores in any of these moves; it’s an Asylum movie.

Speaking of which, we haven’t talked too much about the shutters. I hate to keep harping on these things, but they seem to be a fixture in Asylum films, either due to lack of money or just sheer laziness, and they have a way of showing up where shutters should not be, like on the bridge of Titanic II. I mean, I get it, but maybe they should be a bit less obvious about it, and on an oil rig that supposedly has a major storm heading towards it, keeping an eye out for the oncoming menace might be a boon.

Oh, and apparently NOAA vessels have conventional doors to the bridge instead of ship’s doors. Well, at least the one in Super Cyclone does, but I digress.

Finding all the mistakes in Asylum films is definitely a nice pastime, although I wouldn’t advise making a drinking game out of it, but all in all Super Cyclone isn’t fun enough to be worth it.

Coming up in March (click on the links for the info):

Yep, March is going to be a fun month, with some announcements of events to come sprinkled in for good measure. Hope everyone has (or had) a great Leap Day, and see you on Monday for Lea’s Buster Keaton Blogathon…

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Super Cyclone is available on DVD from Amazon, and is free to stream for Prime customers.

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