It’s a busy week on Taking Up Room and off of it, because not only will we have a post almost every day this week, but it’s Conference Week at one of the two schools I serve in my job. It happens every November, and things get crazy because the elementary and middle schools get out about two hours apart every day but Wednesday. It’s exhausting, but at least we get Thanksgiving Vacation at the end of it.
So yeah, today we’re talking about James Nguyen’s unreleased 2005 film, Replica. Well, it was unreleased until the RiffTrax guys took a look at it and released it with their commentary in 2017. Anyway, not to be confused with the Keanu Reeves film of almost the same name, Replica is a tale of romance, second chances, mad scientists, and certain familiarities. Those who have seen anything from James Nguyen know where this is going. Those who haven’t, well, buckle up, buttercups.
The movie opens in the near future, when human organs are made from cloned cells, and we see a blurry shot of a kidney and a double helix. We also see a blurry CG shot of a lab with a lot of empty space and only two people working at computers. After that we see Christopher Reeve talking about a cure, but we don’t hear specifically what he’s referring to.
Eeep. Shoehorning Christopher Reeve, rest his soul, into a movie like this without context is in poor taste. What would the man have said if he could see it?
Then we’re transported to a South Bay house, where, while the camera pans verrrry slowly across the living room, we hear a parrot offscreen chirping madly before the shot settles on Joe (John David Braddock), who’s sitting in his kitchen drinking coffee.
Hang on, though: It’s the same kitchen where Rod ate a donut in Birdemic. When we go outside, we see it’s the same house. And then we get to watch Joe driving to work, where he sells computer chips for a living.
Hmmm. Julie and Jack, anyone?
In the midst of all this charming sameness, Joe meets up with Evelyn (Lana Dykstra), the doctor who performed his kidney transplant, while she’s jogging by the Golden Gate Bridge, and after a little bit of banter, he starts driving alongside her like Hoke trailing Miss Daisy, only Joe is not trying to drive Evelyn to a Piggly Wiggly. Doing so would be kind of hard, anyway, seeing as there are no Piggly Wiggly stores in California.
This display of stalkeriness is definitely creepy, but Evelyn humors him, and when Joe calls her later and asks her out, she accepts.
The relationship that follows is very sweet and meaningful, or at least it tries to be, but, sadly, Evelyn is killed in what may be the biggest slow burn car wreck in movie history. Joe strolls around San Jose in a funk until he meets Claudia, a brunette who looks remarkably like Evelyn. She’s an actress who’s in San Francisco to audition for a role in Julie and Jack.
Groan. Gag. Face palm. Sigh.
Evelyn and Joe start dating, but Joe doesn’t feel really comfortable until Claudia dyes her hair blonde and becomes Evelyn. Again, creepy, Joe. Really creepy. Meanwhile, a detective named Le is going around investigating Evelyn’s accident because it’s suspicious for some reason.
And in case anyone is wondering, Claudia aces her audition. It’s only a temporary glow, though, because Evelyn’s former co-worker, Dr. G. (Rick Camp) is up to something, telling some unknown personage over the phone, “You may begin with the utmost of extreme delicacy.”
Yeah, that’s not at all awkward. Neither is it awkward later when Dr. G’s mysterious plan comes to fruition and he yells, “It’s living! It’s living!” while gesturing like a psycho killer. If either Colin Clive or Alfred Hitchcock had coffin lids they would be banging on them enthusiastically.
Obviously, this movie is terrible, and not even in a funny way like Birdemic. The CGI is not only unnecessary but looks awful–in some scenes the actors appear to be floating above the furniture and it all resembles a VR game. Joe’s lone female co-worker sounds like a dime store Katharine Hepburn. The story doesn’t even get going until the last ten minutes of the movie, and the ending dribbles out. The rest of Replica reads like a James Nguyen bingo card:
- Bad filming angles? Check.
- Clunky, unrealistic dialogue? Check.
- Unfortunate pacing? Check.
- Sound and continuity errors? Check.
- Tippi Hedren sighting? Check.
- Awkward meet-cute? Check.
- Awkward relationship montage? Check.
- Awkward sex scene? Check. Twice.
- Chinoiserie? Check.
- Modeling session? Check.
- Tour of San Francisco points of interest? Check.
- Rick Camp playing a scientist? Check.
- Patsy van Ettinger playing a mother? Check.
- Absolutely no tension, stakes or real interest whatsoever? Check.
- Damian Carter awkwardly singing to an empty room? Check…oh, wait. Not this time. We’ve gotta wait several years for that one.
Oh, but I haven’t mentioned the real star of Replica. He’s rather a modest fellow, but he has more lines than anyone in the movie, and he’s not shy about expressing himself. His eagerness is unmatched and his timing is impeccable.
I’m talking, of course, about Joe’s parrot, who, in real life, probably belongs to James Nguyen and who also appeared in Julie and Jack. No matter what happens, this bird is in on it.
Here’s a small sample from Replica:
Joe: “Will you go out with me?”
Bird: “CHÜRP!”
Joe: “Take the day off with me.”
Bird: “Chirp.”
Detective Le: “Was Evelyn your girlfriend? Did you go on dates?”
Bird: “Chirp! Chirp! Chirp churp!”
His range is impressive, right? The more dramatic or sordid the scene, the chattier this bird gets, a harbinger of Nguyen horrors to come. Anywhoo…
I hate to be mean, but Replica and pretty much any other James Nguyen movie make Asylum look like MGM during the studio era, and that’s saying something. It’s also one thing when a director is making their first movie, or even their second, because they deserve a little grace. They’ll learn, after all, or at least we hope so. However, when every movie uses the same elements with varying levels of bad, it’s a pattern.
There’s no doubt that James Nguyen loves film, but I almost wish he would put up money for someone else to make them and see what happens.
Another post is on the way tomorrow. Thanks for reading, all…
Replica is available on YouTube (RiffTrax version only.).
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