Vampires, Werewolves, and Tags…Oh My

OK, the Pick My Movie Tag has come back to haunt me, and I’m good with that, because people have taken this thing and run with it, which is fun and highly gratifying (Thanks, blogosphere!). Anyway, my friend Sally of 18 Cinema Lane has tapped me in to write about a vampire film made after 1960. Thanks, Sally!

There’s only one problem: I don’t like most vampire movies made after 1960. While there are some gems, such as when Christopher Lee, Richard Roxburgh and Frank Langella played Dracula in their respective films, or the adorable Hotel Transylvania series, or possibly the iconic Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I prefer the older stuff, especially Bela Lugosi’s OG-ness and Nosferatu. The rest of it? Meh.

Still, I found a movie, and no, it’s not Twilight.

It’s worse, only not. We’re going to be talking about the 2010 Nickelodeon frightfest, The Boy Who Cried Werewolf. There are vampires in it, I promise.

Jordan Sands (Victoria Justice) is a klutz. Like, a big one. And she’s a confirmed nerd who can’t play soccer or flirt with a guy to save her life. Oh, and she’s a vegetarian who’s allergic to dogs and grass. Her brother, Hunter (Chase Ellison) loves scaring her with various gross-outs and has horror stuff all over his room. Meanwhile, their dad, David (Matt Winston) is a widower who’s so buried in bills he doesn’t know if he’ll have to sell the house.

One night Hunter goes downstairs to find a mysterious package on the doorstep, and the Sands are surprised to find out they’ve inherited a large estate and a castle from a long-lost uncle Dragomir Vukovic in Wolfsburg, Romania. Matthew thinks Hunter’s playing another prank, but when he calls the number in the package and finds out it’s legit the Sands family is off to Romania.

Wolfsburg looks like a cross between a Disney park and and a Spirit Halloween store because the town is gearing up for its annual Monster Mania. Wolfsburg Manor is stereotypically creepy, with long hallways, odd noises, and plenty of hunting trophies. It also has Madame Varcolac (Brooke Shields), the severe-to-a-fault housekeeper whose ringtone is “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and whose name always elicits a distant howl. The family are also told to stay in their rooms at night with the doors locked. Hope the all have en suite bathrooms.

Easier said than done. Hunter and Jordan go looking for the wifi router when the signal goes out and stumble on Dragomir’s lab, where they accidentally break a vial of werewolf blood and Jordan steps on one of the pieces of glass.

So yeah, weird stuff starts happening. Suddenly Jordan eats meat like there’s no tomorrow, she’s not allergic to anything, and she’s suddenly scarily athletic like a Romanian gymnast. Oh, and she doesn’t need her glasses anymore. Hunter’s a little freaked out, as is Goran (Kerry James), the cute guy who works in the local grocery store.

Meanwhile, David’s dating the local realtor, the cloyingly cheeful and very American blonde Ashley (Andrea Brooks) who’s interested in buying Wolfsburg Manor. So much so that she’s somehow left a dozen sugar cookies with her face on them in David’s room. She also likes her steak almost raw and is undeniably perky and optimistic. And she’s hiding something, of course.

Jordan finds herself turning into a werewolf, and it’s up to Hunter to help her find a cure. Problem is, Hunter has such a long track record of pranks and deception that David doesn’t readily believe him. Fortunately Madam Varcolac (awoooo) is a fount of knowledge and knows just where to look. Now if only they can cure Jordan before it’s too late. And before a gang of murderous vampires try to take over Wolfsburg Manor.

Yeah, I forgot to mention that, didn’t I? Their leader is the last person we’d expect…a certain perky blonde with a liking for almost raw steak…oh, wait.

The Boy Who Cried Werewolf, which is sort of a remake of a 1973 film of the same name, is predictable as all get-out, and it knows it. It also knows how full of tropes it is. Since it’s a kid’s movie, though, its target audience will likely not notice as much.

Or maybe they will. It’s pretty well-known that vampires need to be back in their coffins before daybreak or they disappear, and that happens to the vampires in this movie until it doesn’t. It’s supremely lame. It’s as if they’re setting up a sequel that never happened. And all they could have done is have the vampires run off and never be seen again.

Still, the movie has some cute parts to it, and not taking it seriously seems to be the key. Brooke Shields acts very much against type, especially for her, and she must have had a ball doing it. Her Madame Varcolac (awoooo) is my favorite part of the movie, even with, or maybe because of, the character’s vigorous nod (howl) to the immortal Frau Blücher (awoooo). Variety noticed the obvious homage, too, if anyone’s wondering.

Now, since this is a tag post, the proprieties must be preserved. Here are the rules:

• Nominate one or more people to review the film or films of your choice. Or you can request they review something from a certain year, genre, or star. Everyone can review the same thing, or you can request each person cover something different. As long as it’s something they haven’t written about yet, you’re good.
• Nominees are allowed to request a different pick for whatever reason no more than five times. Stuff happens. We all know it.
• Nominees must thank the person who nominated them and provide a link their blog.
• Nominees may nominate others to keep the tag going. Picking the person who nominated them is allowed, or they can nominate someone else. Maybe both.
• All participants need to include these rules in their post, whether they’re nominees or picking nominees.
• All participants should use the “Pick My Movie” banner or something similar in their posts.
• Have fun!

And here are my nominees:

• Kayla from Whimsically Classic (A public domain film starring a favorite actor or actress)
• Andrew and Michael from Maniacs and Monsters (Favorite psych thrillers, either just one or a list)
• Emily from The Flapper Dame (A movie starring a rock star or group. Mockumentaries are OK.)
• Catherine from Thoughts All Sorts (A favorite western from the 80s)
• Sally from 18 Cinema Lane (First Hallmark film or a favorite Hallmark film from the 90s)

There you go. Enjoy, everyone. And if any of my nominees would prefer to write about a topic assigned to one of their fellow nominees instead of their own, that’s all good.

All right, a new “During World War Two” installment is coming up on Tuesday. Thanks for reading, all, and I hope to see you then…

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The Boy Who Cried Werewolf is available to stream on Netflix and Amazon Prime.

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