When Asylum and Tubi started teaming up in 2021 to create content, it didn’t bode well, at least not for Tubi. Tubi, a promising streaming service, was probably looking for cheap movies, and Asylum is the Grand Pumbah of mockbusters and all-round bad movies of varying quality and low budgets. It’s amazing that these films still get backing, but here we are. As we’ve seen for many years now, sometimes some Asylum movies come off better than others, at least in terms of so-bad-it’s-goodness.
2024’s Earthquake Underground is one of the “others.” The philosophy here was clearly, “Make The Towering Inferno, only without the inferno. And make it boring, badly acted, and have no personality whatsoever.”
So yeah, it starts off with this brand new fancy hotel, the Armada Tower, in some unnamed city, but since we’re talking about earthquakes, it’s probably LA or San Diego, although San Francisco is more infamous in that regard.
Oh, and do earthquakes happen anywhere but underground? Er. No.
But I digress.
Anyway, building owner Reese (Houston Rhines) is hosting a meeting with interior decorator Deb (Jenny Tran), who’s there with her team. Reese wants historic character in his brand new building, and Deb is clearly up for the challenge.
Meanwhile, on the upper floors, the Armada’s office staff are doing…not much of anything. The guys, including architect Brian (Matthew Gademske) are shooting the breeze, with Brian making a palatial house of cards while the other guys look on admiringly. They’ve got nothing better to do, after all.
The two women in the office, Alicia (Mallorie Clark) and Amy (Angela Cole) are the only ones who seem to be working, and while they bustle around looking official and carrying random papers, Amy lets it slip to Alicia that she’s pregnant, and Brian’s the father. Amy wants to tell him when the time is right.
Funny how things work out. There’s not much time to celebrate, because right then a major earthquake happens. Everyone freaks out, of course, especially Brian, because Amy is on a different floor and she’s a diabetic. Brian grabs Amy’s insulin and he and the remaining office workers all head for the absolute worst place possible, the elevator. It, of course, breaks down, which means they have to climb up the elevator shaft. Someone dies. It barely registers.
From there it’s a confusing mess obviously meant to pad out the time. The group heads downstairs at first, only to have their exit blocked, so they head to the roof, and for some reason Brian and one of Deb’s team members, Joe (Pakob Jarernpone) decide to try to get the elevator working. Never mind that they can’t use it, but it’s something to do. In the meantime, another one of Deb’s team, Sasha (Cayla Black) gets run over by a couple dozen squealing rats. Then Sasha gets electrocuted when Brian and Joe talk her into reaching into the mess of wires for them because, again, they’re trying to fix the elevator and her hands are smaller.
Poor Sasha can’t catch a break. Later on in the movie she’ll get run through by flying debris.
Other than that, we get to see these characters make it out of the building and into Reese’s waiting SUV, which soon gets flooded with badly-animated and totally random CGI water. I don’t care if I spoil anything because there’s not much to spoil.
At least Brian and Amy have their nice We’re Having A Baby moment. Speaking of which, Amy comes out remarkably clean and unscathed, despite spending the entire movie running around in a flimsy little sundress that seems a bit skimpy for officewear. Girl. At least wear a cardigan.
Yeah, Earthquake Underground is boring. I had to watch it twice because nothing stuck the first time, plus I think I dozed off for a minute or two.
The problem is that the badness is so squished together. Most of the time these characters are running around the stairwells and what few floors they can access. If someone falls, we get some bad CGI of them disappearing into the black void. Everyone screeches their lines.
Even worse, the movie is dark. The color scheme is muddy and the movie is sooooo badly lit. I had to brighten some of the screencaps just so we could see the characters. Here’s one example:
And when these characters finally make it outside, they seem to be the only people on the planet. The one lone rescue helicopter does nothing but circle the Armada, while the pilots debate whether or not there are any people in the building.
Amazingly enough, Earthquake Underground has been seen outside of Tubi. It premiered on TV in Germany, on the Internet in the Netherlands, and in theaters in Peru, where it went over like a lead weight.
One of the few reviews I saw was on Letterboxd, and summed up the film thusly (in Spanish, of course):
My family and I paid the price for not watching a trailer before buying a movie!!! When we left the theater, everyone was laughing and commenting on how TERRIBLE it was, the worst special effects I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life. At least it was funny and somewhat shocking in some ways, but whatever.
Whatever, indeed. While I can understand why Tubi would team up with Asylum, I hope Tubi can someday branch out from the low-budget mockbuster-type film and maybe into something more diverse. Or at least make more fun low-budget films.
On the plus side, though, movies like Earthquake Underground fill out Tubi’s programming and give them the support of a rather infamous name, which isn’t a bad thing. We all have to start somewhere, right?
Another post is coming out tomorrow. Thanks for reading, all, and I hope you have a great week…
Earthquake Underground is available to stream on Tubi.
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